


When Roses Cry

by orphan_account



Category: PewDiePie (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Love Triangles, M/M, PewdieCry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-16 22:07:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1363441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PewdieCry</p>
<p>How had it come to this? How had he let it get this bad?<br/>He should have known it was a bad idea from the very start of it. All the signs had pointed towards it, and he really should have known better. He was a grown man after all.<br/>Well, if he was perfectly honest with himself, he had known, but of course he'd chosen to ignore it for the time being anyway. He’d ignored all the signs, all the things he knew could, and probably would go wrong. After all, it couldn't possibly be that bad. Right?<br/>Wrong. It had all gone wrong. In so many ways. Oh, god. It had gone so very wrong.<br/>But as he stood there, on the very edge, bracing himself, he knew he wouldn't have done any different had he been given a second chance. He was hurting, but he would never have chosen a different path. He supposed he was just a bit masochistic that way. His only regret was hurting his friend along the way.<br/>Of course, he knew they’d still be upset with him for this, but it would pass, eventually, and at least he wouldn’t cause them any more pain…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All I Ever Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a little embarrassed to have written this, but there you go... It'll be betaed by a friend soon, so if there are any mistakes she may notice them. Feel free to review and point it out anyway though, as feedback is important to me. 
> 
> This'll probably be about five parts long, so expect more soon :)
> 
> (Also I'm not sure what rating this is... it might count as explicit, or it may be mature. Definitely not less than that though. Just f.y.i.)

** All I Ever Wanted**

It had all begun when he had decided to visit Felix, also known as Pewdiepie, in Sweden. They'd been friends online for a long time, and so visiting each other had been a subject they'd discussed several times. Finally they'd decided to do it. Felix would meet up with him at the airport, and drive him to the hotel he'd stay at. And that was the first mishap. As they entered the hotel, Ryan, or Cry, had been informed that due to a computer malfunction or something his booking hadn't been registered, and now all rooms were occupied. He got an offer of a discount for the next time he chose to use the hotel, a refund, and an apology, but there was nothing else they could do for him. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. It was fine, he supposed. It couldn't be that difficult to find another hotel, right? But Pewdie had a better idea.  
“Why don't you stay with me? It's not like there's a lack of space, and it'll be a lot cheaper,” the Swede suggested. Cry grinned and nodded.  
“Sure, why not?” he said, shooting Pewdie a grateful look.  
“I'm sure Marzia won't mind,” the blonde smiled back. Cry’s smile faltered slightly.  
Mishap number two. Cry had completely forgotten about Pewdie's Italian girlfriend currently living with him. He shrugged it off, though. Surely it wouldn't make _that_ much of a difference. If anything, she'd only help remind him that he couldn't flirt with the Swede as he was already taken.

Because you see, the American gamer had a slight problem. He had fallen for his Swedish friend. It had started out innocently enough, he had just begun noticing small stuff about him that he normally wouldn't have. Like the way his eyes shone when he was happy, or how adorable he looked when he'd been scared. It hadn't really taken him long to notice that he had a small crush on Pewdie. But he'd ignored it. Just a phase, he'd told himself. It would pass. Besides, the blonde was taken. He had a beautiful GIRLfriend, from Italy, with long, brownish blonde hair, and the sweetest voice.  
But the crush hadn't passed. It had only intensified as they kept gaming together, talking and playing around. He'd slipped up once. While playing portal 2 together with Pewdie, he'd accidentally told the other that he loved him. Pewdie had laughed it off, and so had Cry, pretending it was a joke. He'd almost cried that night, thinking about it.  
Nevertheless, he still considered Pewds a close friend, and though he knew they'd never be _more_ than friends, he appreciated every moment spent laughing together, which is why the visit to Sweden had seemed like such a good idea.

Still, as he entered the apartment of Felix Kjellberg, he had a feeling he shouldn't have said yes. He should have found another hotel. But so far, everything seemed ok. Pewds showed him to the guest room, saying that he and Marzia shared a room anyway. Cry smiled and thanked the blonde, before unpacking his baggage and dropping down onto the bed. It was pretty late after all, and he hadn't really slept much on the plane, as the trip had been a bit turbulent.

When he woke up, it was to the sound of Pewds shrieking. Cry looked over to the alarm clock stationed on the small bedside table. His eyes widened and he jumped out of bed. It was nearly half past twelve in the morning! He quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a plain black t-shirt, before leaving the room. He walked into the living room casually, and made sure Pewds’ facecam didn’t catch him. The Swede was absorbed in the game he was playing, some form of horror game, that he didn’t notice the American boy until he was right next to him. The reaction was instantaneous. Pewdie gasped and flailed, knocking his camera over, falling onto the floor and accidentally killing himself in the game. Cry laughed.  
“Sorry Felix, I was just wondering why I woke up to screaming,” he said, a smirk gracing his face while he offered the fallen Swede a hand. Felix chuckled and grabbed it, pulling himself back up. Placing his camera back where it was supposed to be, without showing Cry’s face, he addressed his bros.  
“We’ll end the episode there bros. It seems I’m too irresistible for Cry here to stay away from me,” he winked before chuckling. “Like and favorite if you enjoyed the video, subscribe to become a bro today,” as he did his outro, Cry chorused in, making Pewds laugh before he brofisted the camera and shut it off.

“Where’s Marzia?” Cry asked, taking a bite of his freshly made sandwich.  
“She said she was going shopping,” Pewds shrugged, a wistful look in his eyes catching Cry’s attention.  
“How are things between you two anyway?” Cry blurted out, immediately regretting it. It wasn’t his place to ask. “You don’t have to answer that,” he quickly amended.  
“It’s cool. To be honest, we’ve been a bit shaky. But it seems to be going better now actually. She’s even gotten a few new friends here, which helps. A lot of the issues we had came from her not being able to do much here,” the blonde smiled. Cry returned the smile.  
“Good to hear,” he said, choking down the disappointment he felt, and the guilt for being disappointed.  
“What are your plans for your stay in Sweden?” Pewdie asked. Cry shrugged.  
“Honestly, I didn’t think about it much. I just needed to get away for a while. And what better way to do it than to visit a friend, right?” he said, a somber look taking over his posture.  
“Of course. Well, some co-op gaming is definitely in store, and Marzia and I can take you sightseeing later on,”  
“Sounds great,” Cry smiled, hoping Pewdie didn’t notice how strained it was.

He’d been depressed. A long time he’d struggled with it. Cry’s life in the States hadn’t been the best. He’d been bullied in school, his parents were distant at best, his father never having been there for him at all. And while gaming helped a bit, the negative comments on videos he posted were less than helpful. Granted, he had enough fans to support him, but virtual support and real life support wasn’t quite the same. He’d come close to killing himself a few times, but hadn’t actually gone through with any attempt.  
As he played more games with Pewds, talking and having fun with him, and making friends with other youtubers, he had gotten less depressed. It had worked wonders, for a while…  
When his crush on Pewdie became harder to ignore the depression had come back. Knowing he could never be with him was killing him inside, and each hater on YouTube made things worse. Finally he’d decided to get away from it all for a while. Of course he’d continue to post videos, and he’d still have a crush on his best friend, but at least he wouldn’t have to listen to the people back home with their harsh words. Besides, he’d figured it would be fun to actually go to Sweden and meet Pewds in person.

He liked Marzia, he really did, she was a real sweetheart. But it was hard not to resent her when seeing her kissing and hugging Felix. She had everything he wanted, and he couldn’t help the envy blooming in his chest every time he saw her being close with Pewds. Therefore it wasn’t all that strange when he felt the aching pain in his chest while the happy couple showed him around.  
After a while of seeing the sights, they’d gone to MacDonald’s for a bite to eat. Marzia seemed to have realized how uncomfortable her and Pewds’ kissing had made him, and had settled for just occasionally holding her boyfriend’s hand. Cry was grateful for it, but said nothing. He knew he had no chance. The pair had been together for a little over two years after all, and he wouldn’t want to get between them. Still, he appreciated Marzia’s thoughtfulness.  
“I will be out with some friends tomorrow, and we were going to have a girls night out, so I’ll probably stay at one of their houses for the night,” she said with a smile. “You guys probably want some guy-time, for gaming and stuff,” she added. Pewds visibly brightened at that.  
“Awesome! Maybe we’ll play some more Portal?” he suggested with a wide grin. Cry smiled back.  
“Sure, sounds great to me,” he said. Inwardly he was cheering, he’d have Pewds to himself for an entire night!

On that note they paid for their food and went back home. Marzia made a Vlog, featuring Pewds and the voice of Cry, serving both of them some delicious treats she’d made and asking their opinions on them.  
“11 out of 10,” Pewds said jokingly, laughing at her pout.  
“ _Really_ , what did you think?” she asked.  
“It was delicious, 10 out of 10,” he said with a warm smile. She turned to Cry.  
“Is he lying?” she asked, making sure to keep her camera on the treat and not on Cry.  
“No, it was really good. I agree completely,” Cry shot her a smile. She gave Pewds a peck on the cheek and finished the video, waiting until later to edit it, opting instead to join the two guys on the couch. Pewds immediately put his arm around her shoulders and sat comfortably like that as they watched TV. Cry avoided looking at the happy couple, and did his best to ignore the pain in his chest every time he failed. The Swedish subtitles on the American TV shows were slightly distracting, but overall not too bad. At least it wasn’t dubbed. A few hours later, after watching some movie Cry didn’t really recall the title of, or the plot for that matter, Marzia yawned.  
“It’s getting late, maybe we should go to bed,” she suggested. Both Pewdiepie and Cry had to agree with that, as the yawning proved to be contagious. After the brushing of teeth, Pewds and Marzia went to their room, while Cry went to his own. Laying down on the bed, trying very hard to pretend he wasn’t bothered by the couple. Eventually, he fell asleep.

_Cry was playing a game with Pewds. They were laughing and occasionally mocking each other, having fun as always. Suddenly Cry put his controller down and grabbed Pewdie’s shirt, pulling the other man closer, he touched his lips to the Swede’s. Pewdie immediately responded, intensifying the kiss. Cry pushed him down on the bed and crawled on top of him. He proceeded to place kisses on Pewdie’s neck, while his hand moved south. Slipping one hand into Pewdie’s pants he heard the blonde moan. But as soon as he began removing his own pants he found himself in the bathroom, looking into a mirror. Something was obstructing his view, and he lifted a hand to remove it. He pulled off a mask and looked at it. A poker face was painted on, looking exactly like the face of the “‘sup guy”. He tossed it to the floor and filled his hands with water, splashing it onto his face. When he looked up he jumped. His reflection smirked back at him, donning a twisted version of the Cry-mask. The mouth scribbled out and transformed into a mad grin, and the eyes somehow darker. The mask was pulled to the side, still visible, but revealing the Mirror Cry’s face. His eyes were burning red, a wide grin on his face. It was strange, the scribbles on the mask seemed to have been painted onto the skin of Mirror Cry’s face._  
“You’re nothing, you know. Why would he want you when he has Her?” the reflection said, his voice sounding like Cry’s, but somehow distorted, as if there were two of him speaking at once. The reflection reached out of the mirror, grabbing the edges and pulling himself out. Cry stepped back, but was grabbed. The reflection took hold of Cry’s shirt and lifted him up.  
“Pathetic child, you should grow up!” he said before throwing Cry to the floor, kicking him once he tried to get up. Another pair of feet joined his. Cry looked up, seeing Pewdie standing there, a disgusted look on his face.  
“I can’t believe I let you stay in my apartment,” he said, kicking Cry. Marzia, standing next to him, pecked him on the cheek.  
“Good job Felix,” she said. The room seemed oddly dark. Cry’s hands felt sticky and wet.  
“I’m sorry!” he yelled. But the couple seemed so far away. Mirror Cry was the only one left, once again with his mask covering his face. Cry couldn’t stand looking at him, and looked down on the wet, black floor. The lights turned on and he screamed. The floor wasn’t black. It was red. Covered in blood. Cry could see his Reflection in it. He backed up until he sat in the corner, looking at his hands. He soon found the source of the blood. It was running down his body from a hole in his chest…

Gasping loudly, cry woke up. He clutched at his chest, almost expecting it to be soaked in blood still. Sweat covered his body and he was shaking. It had been a while since he’d had a nightmare like that. He ran a hand through his hair, sighing before switching on the lights. He checked the time, seven thirty… Shrugging he walked to the bathroom to take a shower. He locked the door behind him and stripped before jumping in the shower. He let the water run down his body, cooling him down. When he finished, he dried off with a towel, he avoided looking in the mirror as best he could and swallowed down one of his antidepressant pills before putting the box back in his room. He walked back to the living room, switched the TV on, careful to keep the volume down, and dropped onto the couch. An hour or so later he had dozed off, snoring slightly as his head rested on the armrest, one leg on the floor, the other on the couch. He startled and awoke as he heard a door open and close. Sitting up properly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he looked around, eventually spotting Marzia on her way to the kitchen.  
“Leaving already?” he said with a yawn. The girl jumped slightly and turned to him.  
“Oh, you’re up! I didn’t see you there,” she said. “Yeah, it’s like ten thirty, and I’m meeting my friends at eleven, so I have to leave soon,”  
“I see… I must’ve fallen asleep on the couch…” he muttered to himself. Apparently the girl heard him.  
“When did you get up?” she wondered.  
“Around eight… Couldn’t sleep,” he shrugged.  
“Oh. Ok. Felix should be up soon too. Unless he simply went back to sleep. He does that sometimes,” she chuckled and rolled her eyes, showing Cry that this probably happened a lot. “I was just going to cook up some eggs and bacon for me and Pewds, but since you’re up, do you want some too?” she said with a smile. She really was a sweetheart.  
“Yeah… Thanks,” he said and followed her into the kitchen.  
“Why did you decide to come to Sweden anyway? I mean, meeting Felix in person can’t be the _only_ reason,” she wondered as she got the eggs from the fridge.  
“Just, stuff… I needed to get away from everything at home for a bit. A friend is watching my cat for me while I’m here, so I can stay for a while… Well, I wouldn’t want to impose on you guys though, so I’ll get checked into a hotel asap,” he said. Not sure why he even answered that. “Here, I’ll help you set the table,” he added and began getting out the plates and cutlery.  
“I see. Well, you’re no trouble at all, so there’s no rush. It has to be cheaper to stay here than in a hotel anyway,” the girl said with a soft smile.  
“Thank you. I really appreciate it,” he answered. Though honestly, he didn’t know if he could stand being around the happy couple for that much longer.  

At that moment Pewdie walked out of the bedroom and entered the kitchen. Pajama pants sagging slightly, nearly slipping off as he walked, his hair messy and the baggy t-shirt he wore looked a little shabby.  
“Good morning,” he yawned.  
“Morning,” Cry responded, while Marzia went over to kiss the Swede. Pewds sat down by the table, grabbed a plate and some bread, and filled up a glass of water.  
“You’re up early,” he said, looking at Cry.  
“Yeah, the only reason I slept in yesterday was the jetlag,” he shrugged. Pewds smiled and turned to Marzia after putting some bacon onto his plate.  
“The eggs done yet?”  
“In a minute,” the girl said. “Be patient,” she added as Pewds stood up to peek over her shoulder.

Once breakfast was done, the girl said goodbye and left the apartment. The two boys remained, and looked at each other before grinning and rushing to their computers, readying a game of prop hunt, and quickly inviting theRPGMinx, CinnamonToastKen and a couple of others. What followed was a couple of hours of intense gaming, with lots of laughter and cussing.  
“Cry, where are you?” Pewds asked, running around as a chair.  
“Over here,” Cry said, jumping. He was disguised as a tin can.  
“Where?”  
“Here!”  
“I can’t see—AH!” Pewds shrieked as Minx came after him, firing at him as he tried to outrun her, randomly changing into other objects as he went. Finally she used her grenade and took him out.  
“Noo!” the Swede yelled as he died. Cry chuckled and continued following Minx, so far unseen. It didn’t last long though, as he was spotted by Ken, who quickly took him out. They ended the game and said goodbye after that.

The two boys sat down in the couch, opening a couple of beers. Cry watched as Pewds drank. Following the movements of the Swede. Upon realizing that he was staring, he looked away, glad he hadn’t been caught. Pewds put his beer down.  
“You up for some more games?” he asked, gesturing towards the Wii. Cry grinned.  
“Of course! Get ready to get your ass kicked!”

After deciding that they had to do a shot after every time they lost it hadn’t taken long for both to become somewhat drunk. Unfortunately for Pewds, Cry was a slightly better gamer, and as a result Pewdie was quite a bit more drunk than the American. Currently they were spread out on the couch in front of the TV, watching some Swedish talk show that Cry didn’t understand. Every now and then, the drunk Swede would start cackling at what was said, and mumble something in Swedish. Cry couldn’t help but think the accent was sexy, despite not understanding a word of it. Looking at Pewdie, he leaned a bit closer, his drunken state relieving him of his inhibitions. Cue mishap number three.  
“What’re you doing?” the Swede slurred, his cheeks slightly flushed from inebriation. Cry leaned over Pewdie, sprawled out on the couch, grabbed his face and pressed his lips against Pewdie’s in a sloppy kiss. Pewdie’s eyes widened and he pulled away slightly.  
“Wha-” Cry dove back in, capturing his lips and this time forcing his tongue in for a deeper kiss. Pewdie gasped slightly, allowing Cry to deepen the kiss. Soon, though, the Swede stopped being unresponsive as Cry’s tongue coerced him to respond. Instead of pulling away, or pushing the other off, his lids lowered and his arms awkwardly located Cry’s waist, pulling the boy closer. Cry’s heartbeat sped up and he let his hand slip from its place behind Pewds’ head, down, continuing to slowly make its way south.

He stopped it for a second as they separated for air, a line of saliva connecting them. In the back of his mind, Cry knew that he was taking advantage of the Swedish man, doing this while the Swede was clearly drunk, but being just a little less drunk himself, he just couldn’t bring himself to care. He dove in for another kiss, feeling warmth pool in his gut as Pewds immediately let him in. His hand continued its path down, cupping Pewdie’s crotch and delighting as he felt the jeans of the Swede grow tighter as he touched it. Rubbing his hand across it, he could feel himself getting harder as well when Pewdie moaned into their kiss, lifting his hips slightly to get closer to that teasing friction.  
“Marzia~” the Swede moaned, clearly out of it. Cry let his teeth nip Pewdie’s tongue.  
“No,” he mumbled, fondling the other’s crotch a little rougher. Pewds’ eyes opened and focused.  
“Cry?” he looked confused for a moment, but as Cry continued his ministrations he soon gave into the pleasure.

By this point, Cry’s pants were becoming uncomfortably tight, and he could hardly believe that he wasn’t dreaming. He slipped his hands under Pewds’ shirt, and began removing it. As soon as it was off, their lips reconnected. Both were breathing heavily through their noses and perspiration had begun to make itself known. Cry removed himself from Pewdie’s lips and began placing kisses down his neck, chest and stomach. As he reached the hem of his pants he lingered. But only for a second, as he noticed the tightness of the jeans. He unbuttoned it and pulled down the zipper, roughly pulling down both pants and boxers, freeing Pewdie’s cock. Cry smirked as Pewdie gasped when the cool air of the room hit his exposed erection. Cry didn’t hesitate for a second before licking his lips and taking the cock into his mouth. He hadn’t really done it before, and the fact that he was drunk didn’t help. However, it seemed his skill, or lack thereof, didn’t matter, as Pewdie soon moaned and bucked his hips into the warm wetness of Cry’s mouth. Cry nearly gagged, and pulled back gasping for air. He quickly unbuckled his belt and pulled his pants off, not even bothering with the shirt. He reached for the tube of hand cream left on the table by Marzia. Rose scented. He spread it on his fingers and moved back up, placing his lips on Pewdie’s to distract him as he let one finger slip inside the Swede’s ass. His free hand was used to play with the man’s nipples and occasionally brushing his cock. Pewds didn’t appear to notice what the other hand was doing until he slipped another finger in, scissoring them to prepare him for the next step. He shuffled away uncomfortably, clenching down on the fingers.  
“Noo~” he whined.  
“Don’t worry ‘bout it,” Cry whispered and kissed him again. Pewdie, distracted by the kiss and the hand now playing with his cock, relaxed again, allowing Cry to resume his preparations. As he added a third finger he brushed Pewdie’s prostate, nearly sending the man over the edge.  
“Ah! D-do that again!” he slurred, and Cry smirked. He grabbed the hand cream and poured some more into his hand, covering his dick with it. He shuddered slightly at the coldness, but soon got over it as he placed himself between Pewdie’s legs. He had to use all his mental strength to keep himself from pushing in all at once, as the tightness surrounded the tip of his cock. He took his time, but soon he was completely sheathed in Pewdie’s ass. He was panting, and Pewdie was looking pretty far gone as well. Slowly he started moving. Pewds cried out slightly in pain, but as Cry brushed his sweet spot again he melted into the movement. Cry picked up the speed, thrusting into the blond quicker. Pewds’ legs wrapped around him and pulled him in. As Cry thrust in one more time, he hit Pewdie’s prostate dead on and the Swede cried out as he came. Hard. The muscles of his ass contracted around Cry’s cock, and it only took a couple more thrusts for Cry to follow suit, ejaculating into Pewdie. He pulled out, noticing how the cum followed, slightly tinted with pink, and panting he sat back up. The couch was a mess… Pillows had been thrown onto the floor along with a few of the beer cans they’d emptied earlier. Pewds had passed out and was snoring loudly, looking thoroughly fucked and hotter than ever. Placing a kiss on his lips, and sloppily tossing a blanket over him, Cry moved away from the couch, stumbling into his bedroom and collapsing on the bed. He was asleep within seconds, legs half hanging out of the bed, still wearing socks.


	2. Apologize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be betaed...

** Apologize **

Cry was the first to wake up. A splitting headache making itself known as the sun hit the window in the morning. His tongue felt like sandpaper in his mouth. He sat up with a groan, squinting in the brightness of the room. He moved over to the window, sluggishly, closing the curtains. He slowly made his way to the bathroom, leaning heavily on the wall as he moved. He turned on the tap and took a few gulps of the cold water. It was first when he was about to take a piss he noticed his state of undress. His eyes widened, and his throat felt drier than it already was. He tried swallowing, but his mouth felt like a fucking desert. _What the fuck did I do last night???_ He thought as he paled. _Oh god…_ flashes of the previous night came back to him and he bent over the toilet bowl, emptying his stomach. He had fucked Pewdie. He had screwed Felix Kjellberg! And what’s worse, the Swede had been drunk off his ass. It was practically rape! Cry felt another wave of nausea hit him and gagged. He spat out what pieces of vomit had lingered in his mouth, and stood back up on shaky legs. He flushed the toilet, moved back to the sink and took another few gulps of water, gurgling and spitting it out first, to get rid of the foul taste in his mouth. He splashed some cold water in his face, and wiped it off with a towel. Looking into the mirror his suspicions were confirmed. He looked like shit. He pulled on a pair of boxers and jeans, thanking god he’d left his clothes in the bathroom last night. He took a deep breath and reached for the door handle. How on earth would he be able to look Pewdie in the eyes? What if the Swede hated him now? He had every reason to. He braced himself and opened the door.

* * *

Felix awoke to a pounding headache. He rubbed his face and took in his surroundings. He was on the couch. He must’ve passed out there yesterday. He knew he’d had a couple of beers too much, but he didn’t want to seem like some pussy who couldn’t hold his alcohol either. Especially not after having suggested the drinking game in the first place. Groaning audibly he turned his head. God, the pillows from the couch were haphazardly thrown on the floor, some of the things from the table had been knocked over, and a tube of hand cream, presumably Marzia’s, was lying flattened and empty on the floor. Pewdie frowned and tried to push himself up off the couch. Tried being the key word. Pain shot up his spine, originating from his ass. He paled.  _What the..?_ The blanket covering him slipped down, and he found himself shivering in the cold room. He was completely naked, aside from one sock, which he had apparently kept on. Nausea hit him as he sat up completely, ignoring the pain. He leaned forwards, almost throwing up on the floor. He felt like shit. He looked towards the kitchen. It was so close, but seemed so far away… Man he was thirsty… He sighed and tried to get up off the couch. The pain worsened, and he almost thought he’d collapse, as his legs nearly refused to hold him up. Somehow he managed to slip his boxers on and stagger into the kitchen. He leaned on the counter and turned the tap on, leaning forward and swallowing the water in large gulps, forgoing a glass altogether.

“Oh god…” he groaned as nausea hit him again. He gagged, but nothing came out. Splashing some of the cool water in his face, he tried straightening up. Searing pain shot up his spine.  
“What the fuck happened last night?” he muttered. Had he fallen on his ass while gaming? That would be extremely embarrassing. But then again, it didn’t really feel like that kind of pain… He’d never felt something like this before. It was bearable, but just barely. Staggering back to the couch, after filling a plastic bottle with water, he sat back down, flinching as his ass protested. He sighed and reached for his pants and shirt. He frowned. Why would he have been naked on the couch anyway? Sometimes he preferred sleeping naked, but not when he had visitors! And definitely not on the couch… His head hurt as he tried to recall what had happened. Flashes of skin on skin and a hot mouth around his dick returned. Had Marzia come back early? But what about Cry? Had the boy gone to his room? No… Marzia was always too proper to give head while they had visitors, no matter if they were in another room… Then what? Hookers were out of the question, and he didn’t have any female friends in the area. He pulled the shirt over his head and began putting on the pants. Why couldn’t he remember? _Ok… Think Pewds…_ Blue eyes looking at him from underneath brown locks of hair. His frown deepened. He couldn’t remember knowing any chicks with blue eyes and brown hair… He began searching for his missing sock, placing the empty beer cans and other stuff he found on the floor onto the table for easy cleaning later. As he found it he let out a cheerful  
“Hah!” before noticing the white stain on the couch where the sock had laid. “What the…” upon noticing it, he saw more of it. Come to think of it, the slightly sticky, dried substance was sort of on his stomach as well… Gulping, he touched it. It sort of looked like… semen. A lump seemed to form in his throat. What exactly _had_ happened last night. He put his head in his hands, resting the elbows on his knees _. Blue eyes, brown hair. Lips crashing into his and rough hands touching him all over._ He remembered moaning and begging for more… But with who? _His legs had wrapped around the other’s hips, pulling him closer as the other penetrated him…_ A man? But… No… It couldn’t be…  
The bathroom door opened.  
Cry!

* * *

He looked right into the wide, blue eyes of Felix as he left the bathroom. He quickly turned his gaze away, his face felt like it was on fire. Oh god! He wished he could take it back. It wasn’t supposed to have happened at all! They remained frozen for what seemed like forever, until Pewdie decided to break the awkward silence.

“Uh, we should probably clean up here before Marzia gets home…” he said, rubbing his neck.  
“Yeah, sounds smart…” sounds smart? Really? Cry almost rolled his eyes. He sounded pathetic. Apparently Pewdie had decided to not make a big deal of the whole thing, acting as though it had never happened. Or maybe he just didn’t remember? No, from the awkwardness of it all it seemed he remembered well enough…  
“I’ll just take a shower first. Feel free to grab something to eat in the meantime,” the Swede said and moved past Cry into the bathroom. Slamming the door shut and locking it. Cry hadn’t failed to notice how Pewdie’s hand had twitched as it brushed his. He must really hate him now. This so called vacation of his was turning out to be far from relaxing.

With a sigh, Cry walked into the kitchen, making himself a simple breakfast. A slice of bread with some ham on it. He was still feeling pretty shitty from the hangover, but more pressing issues were at the forefront of his mind. Swallowing the last bit of his meal, he stood up, got a garbage bag and began throwing the trash into it. He stopped for a moment, spotting the hand cream. The scent of it still strong, despite it being emptied and dried up. Roses. His mind flashed to how Pewdie had felt underneath him, panting and moaning, grinding his hips to achieve more pleasure. Cry bit his lips and threw it into the bag, with just a bit more force than strictly necessary. He’d ruined everything. Things had been perfectly fine when they were just friends! Sure, Cry had been hurting, but that was nothing. Now though… Who knows how this could affect them. How it could affect Felix! He sat the bag aside, going to a cupboard looking for a bucket. He located one quickly and brought it, a cloth and some soap, to the kitchen. He filled it with water, brought it back to the living room and began cleaning up.

He came to the couch and saw the evidence of what they had done the previous night. He hesitated for a bit. What if Pewdie felt it had been rape and wanted to press charges? Then again, he hadn’t acted like it… After deliberating it for a while he decided to clean up the mess anyway. Pewds probably didn’t want Marzia to see it after all.

By the time Pewdie finished up in the bathroom, Cry had cleaned the entire living room. It wasn’t spot free. It was still a little messy, with the pillows thrown haphazardly onto the couch and the stuff on the table still unorganized, but it was close enough to clean. It would do. The downside? Now he didn’t have anything to distract him from his thoughts, which were spiraling down towards depression. _I am the worst. How could I exploit him like that? I should have stopped as soon as he said_ her _name. No, I should have stopped as soon as he questioned what I was doing. Scratch that. Before it even begun. Fuck. How did this happen? Shit! I can’t… I can’t look him in the eyes, much less talk to him normally. I feel so guilty. I fucking enjoyed it!_ Even now the memories of how Pewds had looked, and felt, as Cry fucked him, made warmth pool in his groin. He could feel the beginnings of arousal, just from thinking about it. He forced the thoughts away. _What’s wrong with me?_ He let out a groan and buried his head in his hands. It was killing him. Especially since he was firmly against cheating to begin with, and he’d essentially forced Pewds to cheat on Marzia. With him. And if it hurt this much for _him,_ how bad must it be for Pewdie? And Marzia, if she ever found out… He didn’t notice the tears that had begun streaming down his face, dripping onto the floor. Neither did he notice how he was shaking and occasionally gasping for air through the tears. He was so caught up in his steadily darkening thoughts that he didn’t even notice that Pewdie had left the bathroom, gotten dressed in fresh clothes and re-entered the living room.

* * *

Pewdie pulled his clothes off before entering the shower and turning on the water. He shuddered slightly at the coldness of it before adjusting the temperature to something more pleasant. He let the warm water run down his shoulders, taking the dried sweat and cum off him. He was still shivering slightly, but it wasn’t the cold doing it. He had slept with Cry. He remembered now. He had actually cheated on Marzia. With a guy! With Cry! Shit… Granted, they’d both been drunk, but still. He had let Cry take him, and he had liked it. He had begged for more, moaned and leaned into the touch of the other man as if he was some hormonal teenager. His relationship with Marzia had been shaky at best as of late, and if she found out about this… She’d never forgive him for it, of that he was certain. Still… he couldn’t undo what had been done, and he couldn’t even blame Cry for it, not completely anyway. Pewdie could easily have stopped him, but didn’t. What’s worse was that Cry had coerced him into cumming harder than he had in quite a while. Even just thinking about it, about how Cry’s hands had roamed over his body, and his lips kissing him… To his horror Pewdie found himself getting aroused by the memories. He tried to ignore it, cleaning himself quickly, but as he rubbed the soap onto his body, his mind kept providing images of Cry’s hands where his own went. His dick had hardened, and was becoming impossible to ignore. Panting he grabbed it and started to move his hand, stroking the erection. He placed his free hand on the shower wall to support himself as he jerked off. He came quickly, moaning Cry’s name as the cum splattered onto the shower floor, only to be washed away by the water.

“Fuck…” he whispered, his face was flushed and he was breathing in heavy, shaky breaths.  
 _FuckFuckFuck… I can’t believe I just did that. Shit. I can’t… I love Marzia. Don’t I? Then why does thinking about last night affect me like this? It’s just so confusing…_ He remained under the warm stream of water for just long enough to catch his breath and wash his hair, then he shut the water off, stepped out and dried himself off.  

He had opened the bathroom door, quietly, and snuck into his bedroom, getting dressed quickly before getting into the living room. He spotted Cry immediately. The boy had finished cleaning the room without Pewdie’s help, he noted before his gaze returned to the brown haired man. At first, he thought Cry had a headache from the hangover, and that that was the reason for burying his head in his hands like that, but as he moved closer he noticed the occasional sobs and the tears dripping onto the floor. He touched Cry’s shoulder.  
“Hey man, are you ok?” he asked, a worried frown appearing on his face.

* * *

Cry jumped slightly at Pewdie’s touch, dropping to his knees on the floor. It took a few moments before the words registered and he broke down.

“Oh god. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he sobbed, refusing to meet Pewdie’s eyes. He kept muttering the phrase over and over. Desperate for the Swede to forgive him, and at the same time wishing he wouldn’t, because he thought he didn’t deserve forgiveness for what he’d done. The scene was nothing short of heartbreaking. Pewdie remained standing for only a few seconds before kneeling and raising Cry’s head.  
“Don’t worry about it, Cry,” he smiled through teary eyes, before embracing the brunette. “Don’t even worry about it,” he mumbled and let the man cry into his shoulder. Cry vaguely registered his own shoulder dampening, as tears slipped from Pewdie’s eyes as well. They remained like this for what felt like forever, but was in reality less than half an hour.

“There, do you feel better now?” Pewds asked with a soft smile. Cry nodded.  
“Yeah… thanks…” he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.  
“Good. I’d hate it if you were all depressed and shit about me,” the Swede said.  
“So… you’re not mad at me? How… How can you even look at me after what I did to you? I…” _I can’t even look at myself… Why don’t you hate me?_  
“What you did to me? Cry, I let you ‘do that to me’. It’s not like it wasn’t consensual. I could have stopped you, but I didn’t,”  
“But… I took advantage of you… You were drunk and-”  
“And so were you,” Pewds rolled his eyes. “I’m not some fragile virgin girl, Cry. I’m an adult man. We were both drunk, we made a mistake, that’s all,”  
“I… I guess you’re right,” Cry muttered.  
“Of course I am,” Pewdie grinned. “Now, let’s play some Portal,” he said and moved over to his PC. Cry pretended not to notice the limp Pewds desperately tried to hide and went over to start up his own PC.

After about an hour of gaming they had fallen into routine, and nearly forgotten all about the earlier incidents. After two, they were laughing and having fun as they always had. After three, someone unlocked and opened the door, startling Pewdie, who was immersed in the game. Marzia was back.  
“Wow, it’s so clean here!” she exclaimed upon entering the living room. She walked over to Pewdie and gave him a peck on the lips.  
“Did you do all of this?” she asked. Pewdie shrugged.  
“Cry did pretty much everything while I took a shower,” he admitted. Marzia raised a brow.  
“Felix, how could you let the guest do all the work?” she said, only half serious.  
“What? I was in the shower. He did it all on his own,” Pewds smiled.  
“True. He was going to help out after he finished up in the bathroom, but I got kind of carried away, and finished cleaning without him,” Cry admitted with a sheepish look.  
“Oh. Well, thank you,” Marzia shot him a huge smile, and he felt a pang of guilt hit him.  
“Eh. Don’t mention it,” he shrugged, going back to the game. _Oh god, don’t mention it… Please…_

The boys kept the gaming up for half an hour, before finishing up. Pewds moved over to sit in the couch, where Marzia was currently watching some TV and cuddling with Maya. By now it was getting late in the afternoon, and Pewdie’s stomach growled.  
“Any plans for dinner?” he asked, addressing his girlfriend. She shrugged.  
“Not really, but I could probably make something. Or we could order pizza,” she suggested. Cry looked at the couple, noticing how their fingers intertwined. Though Pewds did seem a little distracted, it was clear that he still loved Marzia very much, and that the thing with Cry had been only a one night stand due to too much alcohol. Cry tried not to let it get to him. He’d known that was how it was after all, and he wouldn’t want to get between them anyway… But it still stung a bit. Shaking it off he looked away.  
“I could probably go for some Pizza,” he said. “If you order it, I’ll pay. It’ll be my treat,”  
“You don’t have to-” Marzia began.  
“Don’t worry about it. I’m staying here without paying you after all. I should contribute at least some,” Cry interrupted, and plastered a smile onto his face, hoping it didn’t look as strained as it felt.  
“Ok then. Thank you,” she looked a bit put out, but didn’t say anything more. Pewdie picked up the phone and dialed the number of some pizza place.  
“What kind do you want, Cry?” he asked. Cry shrugged.  
“I don’t know, I’ll just have whatever you’re having,” he said. “Anyway, I’ll do some editing, let me know when the pizza’s here,” and he went to the guest bedroom.

Pewdie looked at the brown haired man as he left the living room. He could see that Cry was still beating himself up about what happened, despite Pewdie’s assuring pep talk earlier. Honestly, so was Pewds, as he’d never cheated before, but it seemed this was really getting to Cry… He seemed really guilty.  
“Felix, hello?” Marzia waved a hand in front of his eyes, causing him to blink in confusion. He must’ve spaced out.  
“Where did you go?” she asked, laughter in her voice.  
“I guess I’m still a bit hung-over,” he said with a sheepish grin. Marzia frowned.  
“You really got _that_ drunk yesterday?” she wondered. He shrugged in response.  
“You know, I don’t mind you drinking… but you should be more careful. It’s not good for you to drink so much,” she scolded him. “Well, at least it was here, and not out in some club. Who knows what could’ve happened then,” her smile returned as she snickered slightly. Pewdie frowned.  
“I guess you’re right…” he muttered, casting a glance to the closed door to Cry’s room.  
“Pewdie…” Marzia started, making him turn his head to meet her concerned gaze. “Did something happen last night? Did you two fight or something?”  
“Ah… something like that,” he looked away. It wasn’t lying per se, just twisting the words a bit… “It’s ok though… Cry’s just, blaming himself for it, which is stupid, as it’s in the past anyway,”  
“I see… Well, you should tell him that,”  
“I tried, and he listened, but he’s still beating himself up over it… Not much more I can do,” Pewdie said, ending the conversation. He felt a bit guilty for not telling her the truth, but… He just couldn’t.  
“I’m sure he’ll be ok. Just give it time,” Marzia smiled softly and pecked him on the lips.

The doorbell rang.  
“I’ll get it,” Pewdie said, standing up and hurrying to the door. He flinched at the pain shooting up his spine, but ignored it, trying to minimize his limp as much as he could. He opened the door and was met by a pizza box.  
“That’ll be 215 kronor,” the pizza guy said in Swedish.  
“Ok, hold on a sec,” Pewdie said, and switching to English he yelled for Cry “Pizza’s here, Ryan,” It didn’t take long for the boy to show up.  
“How much was it?” he asked.  
“215,” the pizza guy repeated, this time in English. Cry nodded, and pulled out his wallet. He paid for the pizza and helped Pewdie get it onto the table.

They ate in relative silence, Pewdie occasionally shifted to take the pressure off his still sore ass. Marzia seemed to notice and sent him a questioning look.  
“Are you ok?” she asked.  
“O-of course. Why do you ask?” he said, shifting again.  
“Because you seem a little uncomfortable… Did you hurt yourself?”  
“Eh, yeah… I slipped yesterday. Hit my thigh right on the edge of the table,” he lied, thinking quickly. Cry remained quiet, watching the interaction. Marzia frowned, but didn’t ask any more questions.


	3. Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be betaed...

** Lies **

They had gone to bed pretty early after that, and the next morning found Cry waking up to slightly raised voices, though it was clear they were trying to be discreet. He tried not to listen in, but it was hard to ignore as they got steadily louder.   
“I just don’t understand why you can’t tell me what exactly happened!” said Marzia.  
“I already told you what happened!”  
“Are you even listening to yourself? It sounds ridiculous! If you were cheating… If you slept with another girl just tell me! I already know you were drunk, it’s ok. Just don’t lie to me!” she said, and Cry realized what they were talking about.   
“But I didn’t! I’m not lying Marzia. There was no other girl!”  
“Then why do you have a hickey on your chest?”   
“It’s not a hickey! I told you… It’s a bruise-”  
“From when you fell, dropping your unopened beer can on your chest. You told me that, but I don’t believe it,” Cry hear Pewdie sigh.   
“Look, I know it looks bad, but I swear I’m not lying. There. Was. No. Girl,” he said. Silence ensued, and Cry could only assume Pewdie had hugged the girl. Their voices grew to dim for him to discern what they were saying, and he lay his head back on the pillow, not wanting to interrupt them.

“Fine… I’ll let it go. Just don’t… lie to me, ok? If you want to date someone else, tell me. Don’t ever lie to me,” Marzia said. “I love you, Felix. But I don’t want to sacrifice my happiness or yours just to stay in this relationship,”  
“I know,” Felix said, unable to say those three words to her after deceiving her like this.   
“I’m going to meet up with my friends. If you could do some grocery shopping sometime during the day that would be nice,” she said, putting on her jacket and shoes.   
“Sure,” Pewdie answered and pecked her on the cheeks half heartedly. “See ya,”  
“Bye,” and she left. Pewdie let out a deep sigh and dumped down onto the couch. He had tried to sleep with her last night, but she had pushed him off, claiming she didn’t want Cry to hear. When he’d tried to argue that the other man was probably asleep anyway she had simply turned around and gone to sleep. In the morning, upon waking, she had seen his chest and a hickey Cry had left behind. She’d called him out on it, and he’d panicked and lied. A door opened and he turned around to see Cry leaving the bedroom.   
“You ok?” the brunette asked, sitting down on the couch with him.   
“Yeah… I guess. My relationship with Marzia however…” he sighed again.   
“It’s my fault it’s like this in the first place, don’t blame yourself,” Cry said, seemingly unconcerned with how he was doing the exact same thing.   
“No, it’s not. We’ve been shaky for a while now… Now I’m not saying sex is the most important thing, but it is a _part_ of a relationship, and lately… Let’s just say, alcohol aside, that I had my reasons for not turning you down,” Pewdie explained.   
“I see…” Cry muttered, uncertain of what to say.   
“I should probably go to the store. You can come along if you want to, but it’s ok if you’d rather just stay here and chill,” the Swede shrugged.   
“I think I’ll just stay here for now,” Cry said and Pewdie walked over to the door.   
“Ok, there’s still some Pizza left over in the fridge if you want it,” he said. “See you later,”

Pewdie wasn’t gone for long, so when he returned Cry was still relaxing on the couch, having just finished a couple of pizza slices.   
“Back already?” he asked.   
“Yeah, could you give me a hand with the bags?” Pewdie answered. Cry nodded and went over to help. Once they’d gotten everything in place they sat down on the couch again. They remained silent, just watching TV. Eventually Pewdie broke the silence.   
“Hey Cry…” he said, then hesitated.   
“What?” the American asked. Pewdie just shook his head.   
“Never mind… I just…” he said. Cry frowned. What was up with the Swede? It didn’t take long before he found out though, as Pewdie suddenly leaned towards him and pressed his lips onto Cry’s. Cry’s eyes widened in shock. What was going on? Pewdie pulled back, slightly flushed.   
“Sorry… That was… I shouldn’t have done that,” he said. Cry couldn’t hold back any more, and grabbed Pewdie, pulling him closer and kissing him softly on the lips. Pewdie let him in, deepening their kiss to the point where they were making out on the couch. Eventually Cry pulled back.   
“Pewdie, what are we doing?” he asked, placing his hands on Pewdie’s shoulders.   
“I… Can’t we just go with it? For now. Just play along?” Pewdie suggested. Cry wanted to say no. He didn’t want to help Pewdie cheat… Yet what passed his lips was not a “no” as it should have been… Instead he said  
“Of course Pewds,” with a soft smile. Curse his goddamn feelings. And so they kissed for a while longer, before watching some action movie, with Pewdie leaning slightly on Cry. Cry knew he was taking advantage of Pewdie’s state of mind. He knew that he shouldn’t be doing it. However, he felt like his greatest wish had just been granted. Pewdie kissed him willingly and while sober. Logically he knew he was just a comfort. Just a way to relieve tension when Marzia clearly refused. But right now he didn’t care. He knew he was fooling himself, but just for now he’d pretend the blonde returned his feelings of… affection.

They’d gone back to editing videos afterwards, followed by some more TV. By the time Marzia got back they had dozed off on the couch, leaning on each other. Marzia smiled, thinking they looked so cute like that. She pecked Pewdie on the forehead and he slowly opened his eyes.   
“Oh. Welcome back,” he said with a smile. He sat up, yawned and stretched, causing Cry to fall over from the loss of support.   
“Huh?” the American looked around confusedly for a second before spotting Pewdie slowly wrapping an arm around Marzia’s waist. “Oh, hi,” he said, yawning.   
“I hope you haven’t eaten yet,” the Italian girl said.   
“Nah, just some leftover pizza,” Pewdie said.   
“Good, ‘cause I brought some takeaway,” Marzia explained, gesturing to the food she’d placed on the table. Some type of Chinese food from the looks of it. It smelled delicious, and Cry began noticing how hungry he was.   
“Thank you, you’re a real sweetheart,” Cry said, shooting her a smile.   
“Yeah, you’re the best,” Pewdie smiled and kissed her softly. Cry felt a sting of pain as he watched them, but soon he turned back to his meal. Marzia had already placed the food onto plates and brought in glasses and cutlery, obviously she had wanted to surprise them with it. He waited until the other two had sat down before taking the first bite. As expected, it was delicious. His ability to enjoy the meal was a little dulled though, as he felt the guilt sneaking up on him again. Watching the couple interact reminded him that Pewdie was in fact taken, despite his earlier interest in Cry.

“I should probably work some more on my videos. Thanks for the food,” Cry said when he had cleared his plate. He brought it to the kitchen, putting it into the dishwasher before going into his room to work on the videos.

Eventually he began to upload one of the videos, and upon seeing how long it would take he let out a deep sigh and fell onto the bed.   
“Now what?” he muttered. He could hear Marzia and Pewdie chatting in the other room, occasionally laughing. He really didn’t want to think about what exactly was going on between himself and Pewdie at the moment, and so he grabbed his iPod, plugged in his earphones and turned it on. He rested his head on the pillow, listening to his music, and eventually he dozed off.

When he came to, it was already morning. His earphones had fallen out sometime during the night, slightly tangled around his neck, and his iPod was out of power. He removed the earphones completely, dropping them on the night-stand, and checked his watch. Eight thirty in the morning… He sat up, stretched and checked his computer. The video was done uploading, and he added a title, description and tags, before publishing it for the world of the internet to see. He could hear Pewdie snoring through the walls and chuckled lightly. He moved on into the bathroom, taking a quick shower and changing clothes. By the time he left the bathroom the clock had passed nine, and he could hear the door to Pewdie and Marzia’s room open. He turned and saw the brunette sleepily heading towards the bathroom.   
“Good morning,” he said, shooting her a soft smile, almost apologetic, as she jumped upon hearing his voice.   
“Oh! You scared me. Good morning,” she said and smiled back at him. He turned his back on her and walked towards the kitchen.   
“I’ll fix some breakfast. What do you want?” he asked.   
“I don’t know… Pewdie likes eggs and bacon, so you could do that. It’s real quick and easy too,” she suggested.   
“Sure,” Cry replied and opened the refrigerator to locate the eggs. While the girl showered, the bedroom door opened again, and Pewdie appeared, hair messy and pajamas crinkled, as usual.   
“Morning,” Cry said, flipping the bacon.   
“Mornin’” Pewds said with a yawn before pecking Cry’s cheek. Cry nearly burnt himself, he was so startled.   
“What was that for?” he asked.   
“Don’t worry about it,” Pewdie answered with a roguish grin. Cry rolled his eyes.   
“She’s going to catch us if we keep this up,” he muttered. Pewdie sighed.   
“Don’t worry about it, Cry. Let me handle that,” he said. Cry continued his cooking in relative silence. He knew Pewdie wasn’t being deliberately cruel, and that this whole… affair, was because of his problems with Marzia, but Cry couldn’t help the guilt. It was soon shaken off though, as Pewdie hugged him from behind.   
“It’ll be fine,” the blonde said, eventually letting go and setting the table. They were already eating when Marzia reappeared from the bathroom, blissfully unaware of her boyfriend’s new boyfriend. 


	4. One More Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be betaed

And so the days passed. Some days they’d just chill on the couch, occasionally kissing, others they’d make out for minutes. Once or twice they’d given or received hand-jobs, and all without Marzia suspecting a thing. Everything was going so well that when Cry realized he’d forgotten about his antidepressants it also occurred to him that he really didn’t need them. Thus it didn’t take long before two full weeks had passed since the beginning of their affair.

Marzia was out with her friends again, yet another sleepover, and Cry and Pewdie sat on the couch watching a movie. Cry’s arm was casually draped around Pewdie’s shoulders, and the Swede leaned slightly on him. When the movie ended, and they turned off  the TV, Pewdie turned to Cry with a determined look in his eyes.   
“Fuck me, Cry,” he said. Cry dropped the bowl of popcorn he’d been holding, shocked at the other’s directness.   
“W-what?” he stuttered. Pewdie’s cheeks went a little red.   
“You heard me,” he said. Cry swallowed and felt his heartbeat speed up.   
“Here? Now?” Cry asked.   
“Not on the couch you idiot. In your room,” Pewdie said as he rolled his eyes. Cry grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him into the eyes.  
“Are you sure?” he asked.   
“It’s not like we haven’t done it before. Let’s just go!” the Swede insisted and smashed his lips against Cry’s. Cry’s inhibitions and initial worries faded away as Pewdie crawled onto him until he was sitting on Cry’s lap. The Swede began to grind his hips occasionally, letting Cry feel his building arousal. Cry groaned and gave in. The pair somehow managed to move into the bedroom, Pewdie grabbing a small, plain bag along the way, dropping it onto the floor next to the bed before resuming the makeout session with Cry. Cry practically pushed him onto the bed, quickly crawling on top of him and resealing their lips. His hand travelled down to Pewdie’s crotch, fondling it, feeling the pants grow tighter as Pewdie’s dick hardened. Pewdie let out a moan and Cry began to remove his clothes. Pewdie returned the favor, tugging off Cry’s shirt, nearly ripping it in the process. Soon they were laying there in nothing but their boxers, panting with desire as their hands wandered, touching and exploring everything. Cry startled slightly as Pewdie flipped them over and tugged Cry’s boxers down, freeing his cock. His eyes widened as he realized what Pewdie was planning.   
“You don’t have to-”  
“Sh. I want to. You did this for me last time. It’s time to return the favor,” and with a roguish grin he gave Cry’s cock an experimental lick. Cry shuddered in pleasure, and almost thought he was going to come just from the sight of it when Pewdie opened his mouth wide, taking Cry’s dick in. He took a little time to get used to Cry’s size, but soon he was sucking and moving his head up and down. Cry moaned and panted, trying to keep from choking Pewds by bucking his hips. His hands dug into the sheets below him.   
“Oh god! Pewds… ah… So good…” he groaned. He could feel the pleasure building as Pewdie’s mouth and tongue worked his member. When the blonde began to use his hands to fondle his balls as well he nearly yelled.   
“AH! I’m gonna…” he trailed off as Pewdie suddenly took him in all the way. He came, and almost saw white from the pleasure of the orgasm. He was trembling slightly and panting heavily. He looked at the Swede, who coughed. Cum was dripping down his chin, mixed with saliva.   
“Damn, that’s harder than I thought, I nearly choked,” he said, his voice hoarse. He chuckled as he wiped the semen from his face. Cry stared at him incredulously.   
“What? Was I that bad?” Pewdie asked and frowned.   
“You… That was amazing,” Cry said, breathlessly. Pewdie reddened slightly.   
“Th-thanks,” he said. Cry captured his lips in another kiss. Tasting his own semen, bitter though it may be, on Pewdie’s lips was incredibly sexy. Pewdie would do such a thing for _him_! He was ecstatic.   
“Hey, you’re not going to leave me hanging are you?” Pewdie asked, smiling cheekily as he leaned back and spread his legs, revealing his rock hard erection tenting his boxers. Cry swallowed heavily. It was possibly the most erotic sight he’d ever seen. His dick hardened slowly as he took in the sight. Pewdie flipped over, reaching over the edge of the bed and grabbing the bag he’d left there previously. He emptied it, revealing a tube of silicone based lube. Cry reached over, grabbing Pewdie’s boxers and practically ripping them off. Pewdie laughed.   
“So impatient,” he said jokingly and handed the lube to Cry. The brunette opened it, squirting some of it onto his hand and spreading it on his fingers.   
“Spread your legs,” he said, and Pewdie complied. “You’ll have to relax as much as you can to make this comfortable,” he added and gently pushed one finger in. Pewdie squirmed a little in discomfort, but clearly tried to stay relaxed.   
“Relax,” Cry whispered and kissed him as he carefully inserted another finger. His free hand moved to Pewdie’s crotch and began teasing the hard cock. Pewdie moaned into their kiss, and relaxed a little more into Cry’s touch. He winced slightly in pain as Cry let a third finger slip inside him, but as soon as they brushed his prostate he shuddered in pleasure.   
“Ah! Cry,” he moaned, leaning into the touch. Cry pulled out, reaching for the lube again. He could see the pre-cum beginning to leak from Pewdie’s dick. He wasted no time, quickly lathering his own cock in the gel-like lube, before grabbing Pewdie’s legs, lifting them onto his shoulders. He positioned himself so that the head of his cock barely brushed the Swede’s entrance.   
“Are you _sure_ about this?” he asked, giving Pewdie one last chance to back out.   
“Yes,” Pewdie said, his voice almost a whisper. Cry slowly pushed in until the head of his cock was in. He paused for a second, letting Pewds get used to the sensation, before he moved again. He continued to move slowly in, then waiting again when he was completely inside the other man. Pewdie was panting underneath him, face tinted with red. Cry dove in for another kiss, pulling out and pushing in again as they kissed.   
“Oh god!” Pewdie yelled as Cry hit his prostate after a few slow thrusts. “More!” he said, and Cry complied, moving slightly faster, hitting that same spot over and over.   
“Fa-faster, harder!” Pewdie gasped out. Cry looked at him as he increased the intensity of the thrusts. The Swede looked so hot like that. Bared completely, face flushed and eyes half-lidded, hazy with lust. He caught those delicious lips again in a kiss.   
“Ah. Aah! Ryan!” Pewdie yelled out as he came. Cry didn’t take long to follow.   
“Felix! I- Ah, I love you!” He yelled out as his cum filled the other. Pewdie’s eyes widened and he pulled Cry into a kiss. Cry pulled out of him and deepened the kiss. They separated for air, both panting and covered in sweat and cum.   
“We should take a shower,” Pewdie chuckled after they had caught their breath. Cry laughed along and the two headed to the bathroom.

Showering together had been interesting. They had focused on getting clean, of course, but along the way they’d given each other hand-jobs again. Pewdie had a little trouble walking and standing on his own, making Cry a little concerned, but Pewds had laughed it off, saying it had been well worth it. Eventually they’d ended up back in the bedroom. After a quick change of sheets and covers they’d ended up together on the bed. Cry had expected Pewdie to go back to his own room, but he didn’t, instead opting to lay down with Cry. After a while they’d ended up spooning, Cry’s arms wrapping around Pewdie. It didn’t take long before they were sleeping, and for once Cry had no nightmares.

Upon waking up the next morning, Pewdiepie found himself comfortable and warm. He stretched and yawned, noting Cry’s arms wrapped around him possessively. He turned around and looked at the still sleeping man, taking in how relaxed the face looked, and how the brown locks of hair fell onto the pillow. He thought back to the previous night, and how Cry had said he loved him. It probably just came out, a slip of the tongue in the throes of passion, but that didn’t make it less true. If anything, it made it seem even more true, as the man had most likely not wanted to say that. Pewdie couldn’t help but like the idea. Cry was an attractive man after all, and a great lover. The problem here was of course that Pewdie was in fact still Marzia’s boyfriend. Guiltily he snapped his eyes away from the sleeping Cry. He loved Marzia, he really did, but he couldn’t deny the feelings beginning to bloom for the other gamer as well. Besides, Marzia had been a little distant as of late, and the sex had been practically non-existent. When Cry fucked him, on the other hand, he felt pleasure in a completely different way. And he loved it! Selfishly he wanted to keep both of them, but knew there was no way. He knew that when, not if, Marzia found out about this she would be heartbroken. Honestly, he knew he was doing something wrong, he knew that it had to end poorly, but he just couldn’t stop… He knew he should break up with Marzia, or stop cheating on her with Cry, but he cared for both, and no matter what he was to chose, someone would end up unhappy. Cry’s arms tightened around him, and the brunette snuggled his neck. Pewdie smiled warmly and pecked Cry on the forehead.   
“Hey, bro. Let go, I need to get some breakfast,” he chuckled. Cry’s eyes opened slowly and met his, those beautiful, deep blue eyes… The brunette blinked a couple of times before letting go.   
“Sorry,” he muttered, letting out a yawn before sitting up. Pewdie sat up as well, but it didn’t take long before he nearly let himself fall back down on the bed.   
“Damn,” he said. His ass hurt. The pain had been worth it of course, but it was a little problematic. Cry seemed to realize the problem, and got up.   
“Just stay here, I’ll fix some breakfast and we can eat it in here,” he suggested. Pewdie nodded, a little embarrassed.

Cry fixed breakfast quickly, and they ate in the bed, quiet and relaxed. After finishing the meal they remained still for a while, simply relaxing in each other’s presence and cuddling slightly. Eventually though, they had to get up. Cry helped Pewdie get into the living room and onto the couch, where they sat down playing some games and having a good time until Marzia returned.   
“Felix, I’m home!” she said as she entered the apartment.   
“Welcome back,” Pewdie said, not moving from his spot on the couch. Marzia removed her shoes and jacket, dropping her bag nearby before moving over to the boys and placing a kiss on Pewdie’s forehead.   
“Is dinner ready yet?” she asked.   
“Dinner?” Pewdie repeated dumbly and looked at his watch. Cry checked his as well. Half past five…   
“We lost track of time. I can fix something now,” Cry offered, apologetically. Marzia flashed him a smile.   
“That would be great, thank you,” she said.   
“It’s no problem really,” he said and stood up. “How do you feel about Spaghetti? Easy and quick, assuming we have what we need for it,” he suggested. Marzia nodded and Pewdie smiled widely.   
“Sounds great, Cry. Everything should be in the kitchen. I’m sure you can find it,” he said. Cry nodded and moved into the kitchen to start cooking. 

He could hear them while making the food, and when he called them into the kitchen, he wasn’t surprised to see Pewdie’s arm around Marzia’s waist. He did look slightly guilty though, and the slight limp in his walk didn’t help. Marzia seemed blissfully unaware of this as she sat down, grabbing her bowl of spaghetti. She made an offhand comment about how the pasta-dish was good, for a non-Italian, and said Cry was a decent chef. Cry had began to notice that, while never being rude, the girl seemed to grow slightly more distant and cold towards him as the days passed by. He didn’t think she suspected anything, but there was no hiding that Pewdie was spending more time with him, and less with her. Marzia was obviously not very happy about this, and Cry could understand. Guilt stabbed into him, and he excused himself from the table, claiming to be full.

He escaped into his room, breathing heavily. His heart was pounding in his chest. Damn. How much longer could he keep this up? He was selfishly using Pewdie, a guy who had a girlfriend, and it had to stop! And yet… his thoughts flashed to the previous night. Pewdie was the one who initiated it this time… so why did _Cry_ feel so guilty? His head snapped around as he heard Pewdie excuse himself, saying he wanted to check up on Cry. Soon after he was knocking on the door, and Cry let him in.   
“Are you ok bro?” he asked, his brows furrowed slightly in concern.   
“O-of course… It’s just…”  
“It’s because of her, isn’t it?” Pewdie asked. Cry nodded. Pewdie kissed him on the lips.  
“I said don’t worry about it,” he said. “It’ll be okay, you’ll see,” and Cry had to believe him as he looked into those blue eyes, despite seeing the guilt and fear the Swede was trying to hide.   
“Fine,” Cry said, grabbing Pewdie’s head and kissing him roughly. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” he muttered as Pewdie left the room.

The calm wouldn’t last however, as just a week later the final mishap would come to happen. Cry was making out with Pewdie, heavily, against one of the walls. Marzia was out with her friends again. In the background they heard Maroon 5’s “One More Night” playing on the radio. Cry’s hand sneaked up underneath Pewdie’s shirt, caressing his chest and brushing his fingers against his nipples. He let his hand drop to the hem of Pewdie’s pants, asking for permission without words. Pewdie pulled him closer and ground his hips against his teasingly, causing Cry to separated their lips to let out a sharp breath. His hands made quick work of removing Pewdie’s pants, and fondling the erect cock under the boxers. Soon enough his own pants hit the floor along with his and Pewdie’s boxers. As the chorus of the song began to play Pewdie suddenly took the lead, pushing Cry backwards until he crashed into the couch, falling over and landing softly. Pewdie grinned and climbed on top of him, locking their lips together. He pushed his hips down, rubbing his crotch against Cry’s, making the brunette moan in pleasure. Then he sat up, kneeling with one leg on either side of Cry, and slowly lubed the cock up. Cry bit his lip to keep from making too much noise. Pewdie carefully adjusted himself and began to lower himself onto Cry’s cock. Once he sat down completely he took some time to adjust before slowly beginning to move his hips, grinding them and essentially riding Cry. Cry’s hands found Pewdie’s hips and grabbed on tight, helping the other move. Eventually he couldn’t stand being so passive any longer and flipped them over, making Pewdie yell out slightly in surprise. He thrust into the man, panting heavily as he came closer and closer to the edge, making sure to take Pewdie with him. They locked lips once more and only separated when Pewdie threw his head back and moaned loudly as he came. Cry followed suit and looked up. Right into the horrified eyes of Marzia.


	5. Lovesick Fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be betaed...  
> Also, a little fun fact: All chapter titles are actually song titles.

The radio was still going, but Cry couldn’t hear the music. The sound of his heart beating was taking over everything. The bags Marzia had held dropped to the floor with a thudding noise. For what felt like forever the two were simply staring at each other in shocked silence, then Marzia’s eyes filled with tears and she turned around and ran out, slamming the door behind her. 

“G-get off!” Pewdie yelled and pushed Cry off him, running over to his clothes. He pulled his pants and t-shirt on, forgoing the socks and boxers, and ran out after his girlfriend, leaving Cry shaking, alone in the apartment which suddenly felt too cold and empty. He shuddered and wrapped his arms around himself before standing up. Shakily he pulled his clothes back on, throwing a concerned  glance to the door, still open after Pewdie had ran out.   
‘ _I knew this would happen. I should’ve stopped…’_ Cry thought as he cleaned up the mess they’d made, trying so hard not to think about it. The radio, currently blasting “Temporary Bliss” by some band named The Cab, was not really helping, so Cry walked over, turning it off. When he had cleaned up everything, and even vacuumed the entire apartment, he remained standing still in the middle of the living room. Now what? He was sure Marzia wanted him to leave, so should he just pack his bags? Maybe he should book a plane home…

That was as far as his planning got, before Pewdie returned with Marzia, obviously having caught up with her. She stormed in first, tearstained face scrunched up in rage, grabbed a pillow and threw it on Cry with as much force as she could muster.   
“GET OUT!” she screeched. “GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!” she kept throwing things at him for each yell. Cry retreated to his room and began throwing his stuff into his suitcase, not caring how it landed. He packed his pc away and finally collapsed on his bed, holding back tears as he heard the couple yelling outside.

“How could you do this?” Marzia yelled. Pewdie flinched and tried to calm her down.   
“I didn’t-” he reached for her, but she swatted his hand away with a loud slap.   
“Don’t touch me! Don’t even touch me!” she screeched. Pewdie drew his hand back and stared at the floor intently.   
“I’m sorry…” he said “I’m so fucking sorry,”  
“Don’t! You lied to me, Felix! I trusted you, and you betrayed me. For HIM?! Why would… How long?”  
“What?”   
“How long have you been fucking him behind my back?” she yelled, knocking over a vase. Pewdie watched as it hit the floor and broke into a million shards.   
“I- We didn’t-”  
“HOW LONG?”  
“Almost since he came to Sweden,” Pewdie admitted quietly. It was unusual to see the normally ecstatic gamer so subdued. Marzia sobbed loudly, tears streaming down her face. Her previously flawless makeup was ruined.   
“Why?” she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself, as though trying to give herself a hug. Pewdie sighed and ran a hand through his messy blonde hair.   
“The first time we were just drunk. It was a mistake… but it had been so long since you and I… And he… he was just convenient. You know? I never meant for it to go on like this, but I got addicted…” he said.   
“All that, because I didn’t want to sleep with you as often?” she said in disbelief. “Because I didn’t let you do me every time you wanted it,  you decided to let _him_ do _you_?”   
“I… Yes…”  
“How could you?” she yelled.  
“Well it’s not like our relationship was perfect!” he shouted back at her. “Sex aside, we’ve been having trouble since long before he came here. Open your fucking eyes Marzia!”  
“So, what? Just because we’re struggling you run off to the first _puttano_ offering himself up?”  
“I already said it wasn’t like that! He was my friend!”  
“Oh sure, I fuck my friends all the time,” her voice was dripping with sarcasm.   
“Oh come on! Marzia, I’m sorry, ok? What more do you want from me? I love you, but Cry was just… there for me, when you weren’t…” his voice lowered to a softer tone towards the end. Marzia glared at him through tearstained eyes.   
“Fine. But I want him out! Out of our home, and out of your life!” she said sharply. Pewdie sighed.   
“Ok… But at least give him a couple of days to get a hotel room or a plane ride home,” he said. Marzia nodded. “Good, thank you,” Pewdie said and tried to embrace her. She pushed him away.   
“Don’t think you’re forgiven yet. You have no idea how much you’ve hurt me,” she said, brushing past him and heading towards the bathroom. “And you’re sleeping on the couch tonight, so grab your pillow and duvet, unless you want to be cold tonight,” she added before she slammed the door, locking it and turning on the shower. Pewdie sighed once more, and did as told. It was best not to upset her further. He knew he’d been a douchebag, a terrible boyfriend, and a terrible friend to Cry. And honestly, he had no excuse. It had been as though he had no control over his own actions, just going with what he wanted at the moment, instead of considering the consequences thoroughly. He dropped onto the couch with a sigh, resting his head on the pillow. He’d have to tell Cry to leave tomorrow… He could only hope the brunette would understand…

Cry had eventually fallen asleep on the bed, still fully dressed and on top of the covers, but not before booking a room at the hotel he’d originally planned to stay at for a few days. Upon waking he at first did not remember the events of the previous evening, but as soon as it hit him he felt the guilt, regret and pain hitting him harder than ever. Grabbing his suitcase and backpack, he left the room, after making the bed of course. He didn’t get far, though, as Pewdie spotted him as he put on his shoes.   
“You’re leaving?” his voice sounded slightly hurt.   
“Well, yeah… I’ve booked a room at that hotel. Marzia wanted me out, and she _is_ your girlfriend. I’m just the guy who was there. Who was _convenient_ ,” he couldn’t help the slightly accusing tone. From what he’d overheard yesterday, Pewds had no idea that it wasn’t just lust that had driven Cry to fuck him. Despite Cry having said those three words to him…   
“I don’t understand… I thought… I mean, we were just having a good time. Right?” Pewds said, confusion clear in his eyes. Cry looked away.   
“You really don’t get it, do you? I- I wasn’t kidding when I said I lo-…” he stopped, shook his head and looked Pewdie in the eyes, trying to hide how hurt he really was. “You know what, just forget it. You have Marzia… You don’t need me,” he dismissed Pewds quickly and shut the door firmly behind him as he left, leaving Pewdie behind. He didn’t realize that back in the guest bedroom of the apartment a small box of antidepressants was left behind, forgotten.

Pewdie stood there facing the shut door, not understanding. Sure, he’d heard Cry saying “I love you,” some times during their affair, but he’d assumed it was just a slip of the tongue due to the passion they shared… He hadn’t thought the other actually _meant_ it. Pewdiepie’s mouth felt dry, and he had a lump in his throat. He swallowed thickly and walked to the bathroom, locking the door behind him and leaning on the sink. Why was this affecting him so badly anyway? He’d said it himself, Cry had just been convenient… A close friend to help him relieve some tension. Right? He didn’t realize he was crying until the tears dripped onto the sink.   
“Fuck! I’ve messed up so bad,” he muttered to himself, holding back the sobs threatening to burst out. Not only had he pretty much ruined his relationship with Marzia, but he’d completely wrecked his friendship with Cry as well, and from the looks of it he’d also done a great job at crushing the other man’s heart in the process. He let himself drop to the floor, violent sobs wracking his body. How could he possibly fix this? There was no way he could ever make this right. Why had he let himself do this in the first place? God, he was such an idiot sometimes…

“Felix? Are you in there?” Marzia said through the door. He tried to make his voice sound stable as he replied.   
“Y-yeah. I’ll be out in a sec,” he said shakily. Apparently Marzia detected something was wrong. So, despite everything he’d done, her voice softened.  
“Will you let me in?” she asked, and Pewdie complied, unlocking the door. She looked at him for a second before embracing him.   
“Oh sweetheart, what’s wrong?” she asked, and Pewdie broke down. He cried and clung to his girlfriend like a lifeline. And then he told her everything. From start to finish, how he felt, how Cry told him he felt, how torn he was and how much he hated himself at that very moment. All through it Marzia held him close, occasionally petting his hair.

After calming down he kissed her forehead softly.   
“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he said hoarsely.   
“You’re still not forgiven, you know. But I guess… it’s hard to stay mad at you after that,” she said with a sigh. He smiled slightly and stood up, reaching out a hand to help her up as well.   
“So we’re ok?” he asked with a hopeful voice. She nodded.  
“I guess. But you’re still not sharing my bed for a while. I’m still upset,” she said sternly. He nodded in understanding and went out of the bathroom.   
“Can I stay in the guest room though, or do I still have to sleep on the couch?” he asked.   
“Guest room is ok,” she answered from the bathroom, closing the door and turning on the shower. Pewdie grabbed his pillow and duvet from the couch and headed to the guest room, placing it on the bed as soon as he had removed the set Cry had used.


	6. Fix You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be betaed...

Cry was laying on his back on the hotel bed. His iPod was on and blasting music into his ears. Pewdie had used him. He’d been fucking blind and had it all backwards. He’d thought he was the one taking advantage of Pewdie, but it was the other way around. Pewdie had used him as stress relief, a convenience… In retrospect he supposed he should have known. All the signs had pointed to it. It wasn’t like he’d thought Pewdie had actually loved him or anything. Still, it really hurt. He flipped over on to his side. It was still way too early to sleep, but he didn’t feel like doing anything. Everything seemed so pointless, and it would just be easier to simply lay here until he fell asleep, and then just stay asleep. Forever. He couldn’t blame Marzia for being angry and wanting him out. She was probably hurt worse than he was. He wondered if she and Pewdie would be ok… then again, when he wasn’t there to fuck it up for them they’d probably be fine. In fact, it had probably been better if he’d never come there to begin with… He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. Getting out of bed, he started his pc and opened the video editor, hoping to take his mind off of things. It turned out that this was a bad idea however, as he was confronted by hours of footage with Pewdie making comments in the background. Frustrated, he left the computer work, not bothering to shut the pc off. Where were his antidepressants? He could really use them now. He searched his baggage, but couldn’t find them. Shit. He must’ve left them… With a loud sigh he collapsed onto the bed again. Now what?

Cry picked up his phone and dialed the number of the friend watching his cat for him, but he hung up after just a couple of seconds. He didn’t really feel like talking to anyone. Apparently, though, someone wanted to talk to him, as only minutes later his computer showed someone trying to call him through Skype. He quickly dismissed the call and logged off. About five minutes later his phone rang. He checked the caller ID, it was CinnamonToastKen, but didn’t pick up.  
“Just leave me alone already,” he muttered as the phone rang again. He turned it off. Unfortunately this meant no more distractions from the pain in his chest. Pewdie hadn’t even acknowledged his feelings. Cry had said that he loved him, but Pewdie hadn’t believed him. Hadn’t thought he was serious. Of course not… after all, why would he…. The tears welled up in his eyes and soon he was choking back sobs, clinging to a t-shirt that still smelled slightly of Pewdie. Fuck, it hurt! His fists clenched tightly, knuckles white and fingernails digging into his palms. He’d been hurt before, he’d been left behind, he’d been alone, but this pain was different. While it had hurt before, this was pain on another level. He had spent so long longing for the other, and when he’d finally gotten what he’d wanted, Pewdie had thrown him away. And it was all Cry’s own fault. His sobs grew stronger and he felt like he couldn’t breathe properly. He hugged the shirt closer, silently wishing Pewdie was there with him, telling him “Don’t worry about it, Cry,” as always. If only things could go back to what they had been. But it couldn’t. He knew that. His breathing calmed down and he sniffled slightly as his crying slowly halted. There was a way to make it right though… He’d thought so earlier after all… Pewdie and Marzia would be better off without him. And his cat was safe and well kept at his friend’s place… Mind made up he left his room to get to a store and buy some rope.

Pewdie was just going to place some of his stuff into the guest room, as he’d probably have to stay there for a while, when he spotted it. It wasn’t very obvious, nearly hidden behind the bedside table where it had fallen down. He picked it up and looked at it. A white nondescript pill-box. He checked the label. “Antidepressants”. They were prescribed for Cry. He felt his heart skip a beat. This could not be good. He should probably get it to Cry asap… Just then he could hear the familiar sound of someone calling him on Skype. He went over to his pc to check it and once he saw that it was Ken he answered.  
“Hi, Ken. What’s up?” he asked.  
“Not much. I was hoping to talk to Cry, but he’s not answering his phone… My calls were all declined,” the other gamer said, concern showing in his tone of voice. “You got him there?”  
“No… He’s at a hotel. But I can go and check up on him for you. You want me to give him a message or just tell him to turn his phone on?” Pewdie asked, trying to keep his voice lighthearted, even though his heart pounded in his chest. Something was wrong. He felt it in his gut.  
“It’s ok. Just tell him to call me when he’s got the time. I just wanted to see how he’s doing,” Ken said. “Well, bye,”  
“Bye,” and they hung up. Pewdie grabbed his jacket and shoes, trying to put it all on at once without falling over. Marzia appeared from the kitchen.  
“Where are you going?” she asked suspiciously.  
“I’m heading to Cry’s… He forgot these,” he flashed her the pill-box, “and Ken can’t reach him on the phone… I’m a little worried,”  
“You’re going there now? Even after everything?” she said with disbelief. He nodded, and she sighed.  
“You’re really that concerned? Fine. But I’m coming with you. I can’t trust you two alone together yet,” she said. Pewdie nodded in agreement. He could understand that. He waited for her to grab her bag and put her own shoes and jacket on, and then they left.

Getting rope had taken a little longer than he had wanted it to, as he had to look for a shop that actually sold it. He had found it eventually though, and upon getting back he had studied it closely, wondering if he was really going to go through with this. His mind flashed back to the look in Marzia’s eyes as she had caught them and the words Pewdie had said to him.  
How had it come to this anyway? How had he let it get this bad?  
He should have known it was a bad idea from the very start of it. All the signs had pointed towards it, and he really _should_ have known better. He was a grown man after all.  
Well, if he was perfectly honest with himself, he _had_ known, but of course he'd chosen to ignore it for the time being anyway. He’d ignored all the signs, all the things he _knew_ could, and probably would go wrong. After all, it couldn't possibly be _that_ bad. Right?  
Wrong. It had all gone wrong. In so many ways. Oh, god. It had gone _so very_ wrong.  
But as he stood there, on the very edge, bracing himself, he knew he wouldn't have done any different had he been given a second chance. He was hurting, but he would never have chosen a different path. He supposed he was just a bit masochistic that way. His only regret was hurting his friend along the way.  
Of course, he knew they’d still be upset with him for this, but it would pass, eventually, and at least he wouldn’t cause them any more pain… Yes. His mind was made up. With new determination and teary eyes he scribbled a hasty note and turned on the radio so that hopefully no one would notice what he was doing. He then grabbed the rope and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind himself.

Pewdie and Marzia had gotten halfway to the hotel when Pewdie tried calling Cry. When he got no answer he sped up a little, Marzia was panting slightly, her shorter legs forcing her to walk faster to keep up. They eventually reached the hotel and Pewdie approached the counter, asking where Cry was staying. The clerk seemed reluctant to give the information, but Pewdie showed her the pill box, saying he just needed to drop it off. She still hesitated, but as it turned out, she was a fan of Pewdie and eventually gave him the info he needed, in exchange for a brofist. He took off quickly, Marzia running to keep up. Cry was staying on the second floor, so the stairs were quicker than waiting for an elevator.

They reached the door to his room, a little surprised to find it unlocked, and went inside. The radio was playing somewhat loudly, but they saw no sign of Cry.  
“Maybe he’s in the bathroom?” Marzia suggested. Pewdie turned off the radio.  
“Cry?” he said. No reply. “Ryan?” he tried, raising his voice. That was when he spotted it. On the bed he could see a small note. He picked it up. “Sorry” was written on it in handwriting Pewdie recognized as Cry’s, but messier, like he’d written it in a hurry. In places it looked like the paper had been wet… Cold dread filled Pewdie as an idea of what could have happened struck him. “Ryan!” he yelled and, remembering Marzia’s suggestion he hammered his fists on the bathroom door before trying to open it. Locked. Shit! “Cry, open the door!” he yelled, panic leaking into his voice. Marzia looked at him in confusion but said nothing, instead picking up the note he’d dropped. Upon seeing it, she gasped and brought a hand up to her mouth, apparently coming to the same conclusion Pewdie had.

Pewdie began slamming his body into the door to get it open. Luckily the door was old, and after a couple of painful slams into it, it gave, bursting open. It felt as though time had slowed to a halt as Pewdie took in the scene in front of him. A rope was attached to the pole holding the shower curtain up, and from a noose in that rope hung Cry. He wasn’t moving, and his lips were slowly turning blue in color. Pewdie almost thought he was going to collapse, yet somehow made his way over, hoisting the other up so that the rope wasn’t as tight anymore.  
“Marzia! Get a knife!” He yelled in half panic.  
“What? How?” she asked, before appearing in the doorway, her eyes widened as she saw them. Fumbling a little she grabbed her purse, fishing out a small nail-set. Pewdie had never before been so grateful for her habit of bringing said set everywhere. She pulled out a pair of small scissors. It wasn’t much, but it was all they had. It would do. She rushed over and began cutting through the rope. Despite their size, the scissors were sharp, and it didn’t take too long before Marzia had cut through the rope. Pewdie quickly, but gently placed Cry on the floor and checked his pulse. It seemed Cry’s heart was still beating, but...  
“He’s not breathing!” Pewdie exclaimed. Cry’s skin was growing ever paler. Pewdie recalled the first aid lessons they’d had in school and got to work quickly. Tilting Cry’s head back slightly, he placed his lips onto Cry’s and blew air in. It felt like it took forever, but suddenly a sharp breath came from the brunette. His eyes were still closed, but he was breathing. Slowly his eyelids began to flutter and the eyes opened, slightly dazed. Cry looked right into Pewdie’s eyes and frowned.  
“What-” he began, but that was as far as he got, as Pewdie embraced him tightly.  
“What were you thinking you idiot? Don’t ever do that again!” the Swede said, voice shaky and cracking slightly at the end. He clung to the brunette, not caring that he was trembling and that tears were rolling down his cheeks. He’d almost lost him!  
“Pewdie… Felix I…” Cry’s voice was hoarse, and he stopped himself from talking, opting instead to embrace the blonde right back. Pewdie let himself relax into the embrace, sobs occasionally escaping the both of them. Marzia had sat down on the floor, back against the wall. Tears were staining her cheeks as well.

After calming down a bit, they moved out of the bathroom and sat down on the twin-size bed. Pewdie had to support Cry a little, as he was somewhat shaky still. It seemed there had been no permanent damage though, and color was slowly beginning to return to his skin. He refused to meet their eyes and his hand occasionally rubbed at the red mark wrapping around his neck with one hand, the other was held firmly by Pewdie, seemingly afraid that if he let go he’d lose Cry. For a while they just sat there in awkward silence. Pewdie was the one to break it, clearing his throat a little to keep his voice steady.  
“Why did you do it?” he asked, still sounding hurt. Cry pulled his knees up, wrapping his free arm around his legs.  
“I… It’s sort of hard to explain…” he said, voice raw after the force the rope had put on his throat. “why were you here anyway?” he asked, trying to change the subject. Pewdie tossed him the pill box.  
“I found this in the guest room. Ken called me, saying he couldn’t reach you, so I got worried,” he said. “But you didn’t answer me,” he added. Cry sighed, apparently he couldn’t just change the subject to avoid the question…  
“Isn’t it kinda obvious?” he eventually said. “It hurt, you know… when you said I was just convenient… Not that it was your fault,” he quickly added as he could practically see the guilt forming in Pewds.  
“I was already struggling before I came here… It’s why I had those,” he gestured to the pills “in the first place… Despite everything, being with you the last few weeks felt great. And I could at least pretend you loved me back. For a while I didn’t even need those pills to feel ok,” he sighed heavily. “But then Marzia caught us… and  everything came crashing down. Listen, I’m sorry… I never meant for anyone to get hurt. Least of all you,” he turned to Marzia. She looked away with teary eyes.  
“But why would you try… no… Why would you _hang_ yourself?” she asked.  
“Depression’s a bitch,” he said, trying to sound lighthearted. It didn’t really work. “Add in that to the fact that I had basically ruined your relationship and the friendship I had with Felix and the fact that…” he stopped and looked away, staring intently on the wall instead.  
“That what?” she pushed.  
“That I’d just been rejected by someone I’ve been in love with for over a year and might actually really _love_ …” he admitted quietly. Pewdie stared at him with wide eyes while Marzia looked away, a couple of tears escaping her eyes.  
“I… I understand,” she eventually said. She shot them a broken smile and stood up. She walked over to Pewdie, placing her soft lips on his forehead. “You know I love you right?” she asked. Pewdie nodded, uncertain of what to respond and confused as to what she was doing.  
“And I know you love me too,” she said and backed away a little, letting her hand stroke his cheek softly. “But he loves you more… And you… you love him back don’t you,” her voice cracked slightly, but her smile stayed despite the tears.  
“I…” Pewdie looked down guiltily. “I’m sorry, Marzia… I never meant-” she placed a finger on his lips to silence him.  
“I know. And it hurts. It really does, but… It’s like you said, we’ve had trouble for a while now… I love you, but you’re not mine… Not anymore,” she said and wiped the tears away. “It’s ok, Felix. I think… I think we were over before he even came here. It’s time for me to step back,” she kissed his lips, turned around and went to the door.  
“Now, talk things over. Make up, and when you’re done, come back to the apartment and I’ll have some dinner ready,” she said and left them.

They remained sitting in silence for quite a while, a little stunned by what had just happened. She’d been so angry last night… What had changed her mind? Was it just because Cry had tried to kill himself or… something else? Pewdie suddenly realized he was still holding on to Cry’s hand, their fingers now intertwined. He looked at Cry. So it really was true. Cry did love him.  
“I, uh, I understand if you wanna go after her…” Cry mumbled. Pewdie let go of his hand in surprise. He still thought…? Well, after what Pewdie had said it really wasn’t that strange. Making a decision he brought his hands up to Cry’s face, making the brunette face him, and, looking directly into his eyes, he kissed him. As soon as their lips met Cry’s eyes filled with tears once more. They separated.  
“Idiot. Didn’t you listen to her at all? I’m just an idiot who doesn’t always know what I want, even when it’s right in front of me,” Pewdie said with a cocky grin. “I think… Well, I love her. I really do. In a way I think I always will… It’s just that I love you _more._ I was just too fucking blind to see it,” Cry suddenly embraced him, holding him close as tears dripped down his cheeks.  
“I fucking love you! I love you so much it hurts!” he said with a choked voice.  
“I know. I love you too,” Pewdie answered with a soft smile. He kissed the brunette again and they just remained perfectly still on the bed for a while before they decided to get up.

Marzia kept her promise, and a lovely dinner was ready when they got back. A few days later she moved to some friends, and planned on going back to Italia in a couple of weeks time. Cry stayed with Pewdie in the apartment, though he was going back to America in a weeks time. Pewdie was going to join him, bringing Maya along. Hopefully she’d get along well with Cry’s cat… They didn’t know how they’d live yet. If Cry would move to Sweden, or Pewdie to USA, but that wasn’t important yet. As of right now, they were a couple, they’d spend time together, time apart, and maybe, eventually, they would move together permanently. But that was in the future. And right now, all that mattered was that they were together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's done. I'm finished :)  
> Thanks for reading. Leave a comment if you enjoyed it :)
> 
> Bonus:   
> “Well… I’ll pay for the damage to the bathroom door... You’re getting back to our apartment, so get your stuff and cancel your stay here,” Pewdie said, chuckling awkwardly as he looked at the broken door.   
> “I can’t believe you actually broke the door though,” Cry said  
> “Well, I had to get in didn’t I!” Pewdie protested.   
> “Yeah, but there’s a spare key right there in case of emergencies,” Cry stated and pointed to a key hanging on a hook near the door.   
> “Oh…” said Pewdie lamely.


End file.
